Monday, January 6, 2014

Email to a Snowbird


                                                                                                              

Thomas,

I imagine I should inform you of a certain matter sooner rather than later; although, it now comes somewhat late.  But not long after you and Elizabeth departed for parts north, a rather substantial sink hole developed in your backyard—well, mostly in your backyard, with a bit on my side and some, I believe, in the Green Zone.  George Smith of the Lakes Grounds Committee came by soon after it happened to take a look.  George believes the sink hole developed due to, perhaps, overly aggressive lopping of kudzu and skunk vine.  The leaves, he believes, serve to disperse the rain, and with the leaves gone, the rain, especially the extremely hard rains we had in late May and June, drilled right down into the earth and fostered the sinkhole.  With all the rain, the hole quickly filled with water, and the water level has remained constant and overtime gained clarity on par with Weeki Wachee. George and I approached the Lakes HOA, and while they plan to do nothing about the hole, they did stock it with rainbow trout.  Unfortunately, trout, like yours truly, require cool water, and they quickly died, but our HOA, always striving to please, restocked the sinkhole, or, I suppose, the pond, with largemouth bass, and those fish are thriving! I’ve caught many, and it’s quite a joy to take fresh fish directly to my charcoal grill.  As to the sinkhole’s dimensions, it’s longer than your pool by a half and wider by two.  No doubt, you’ll want to use it for swimming, but I’m compelled to warn you that in addition to the fish, a small alligator (some four feet in length), and two Burmese pythons of much greater length have taken up residence at what I suggest we call, as it’s mostly on your property, “Meier’s Pond.”  Those creatures were not stocked courtesy of the HOA, but arrived sua sponte, in the manner of U.S. Army Rangers.  One python punched a hole in your pool screen, and sometimes swims in the pool and lounges on the lanai (information best kept from Elizabeth; your pool man said before her return, he would repair the screen and wrap the lower portion with chicken wire). You’re probably concerned about me fishing in the pond with such creatures about, but no worries, as I’ve bought a small fishing boat—just a dingy with paddles—that I leave in the water on my side of the pond, naturally, where I’ve built a dock, and feel free to use either whenever you like.  Even so, I am most vigilant walking to and from the dingy, especially from it with a stringer of fish as that gator has a nose for fish and once chased me twice around my house before I managed to build up a substantial lead and escape into the garage. You’re probably thinking, “Why didn’t you just throw him a fish?”  To which I say, “To Hell with him!  Let him catch his own damn fish!”  (We certainly don’t want to attract a pack of eleemosynary gators.)  Oh, and I was wondering, how do you feel about catfish?  I’ve forgotten whether or not you like them, but regardless, would you mind if I contact Fish & Wildlife and request they stock the pond with flathead cats?  (I love catfish!)  I spoke with Joey about the python, and he said not to kill one until he gets back, as it’s a good eating snake, excellent for BBQ, tastes somewhat like a cross between chicken and farm raised salmon that I know you like, so I figure once you and Joey get back, we’ll have a Burmese Python BBQ.  Anyway, Thomas, that’s the long and short of it. While having a sinkhole in your back yard is not optimal in regard to resale value, it grows on you, or it did on me, in any event.  Oh, I forgot to mention, LJ said it would really look nice with flowering bushes planted along the shore; while I agree, that’s your call, of course. On the other hand, if the bushes get too tall, you won’t be able to see the egrets and blue heron.  Life is full of choices, I suppose. Hope all is well up North.

Best,
Steve

P.S.
I write this from jail as I was caught fishing in “our” pond without a Florida Fishing License. What a travesty of justice!  But, regardless, I will be out in a few days and free to inspect your and Joey’s property, although both were fine the last time I looked, except for the sinkhole.            

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